A Change

Hello, all two of my readers! I am postponing the Emeril review until further notice. I will be pouring all my energy into the EZ Money review.

Emeril Review Part One: The Unaired Pilot: The Preview

Emeril Part One: Pilot (Unaired)

How not to do a sitcom.

In 2001, the celebrity chef Emeril was starting to rise to fame due to his show on the Food Network. NBC felt the need to take advantage of the rising star. They decided that a sitcom was the best way to do so. Originally slated to air on  September 11th, 2001, Emeril was pushed to the side to provide the public with coverage of the attacks on the World Trade Center. When the reworked pilot finally aired, it was absolutely panned by critics. It had 11 episodes recorded. Seven episodes aired. Nine episodes have been recovered. We will be looking at the unaired pilot tonight. (Sorry if my info is a little sketchy, very little official information exists on this show.)

Emeril Related News

Well, I've started to finish up the series, and there are certain episodes that are just,you know, average. I'll post a list of the episodes I plan on reviewing later. I'll review the episode if it's really bad, or surprisingly good. See you later with another update.

PS: I feel like I talk about this show so much. I should just rename this the "Emeril Blog"

PPS: Not really, that'd be stupid.

Urgggggggggghhhhhhhhh

EZ Money sucks. Plain and simple. They did not care. The editing is atrocious. The actors are all monotone and bland. There is no attention to detail. It's made for kids, yet has really weird moments that are inappropriate for kids. I have never cringed harder watching a movie. I've watched Jack and Jill. At least it had Al Pacino. I've watched Howard the Duck. At least it was so bad it was entertaining. EZ Money is that special kind of bad. It's incredibly painful to watch. There was no effort put in. It was made for a quick buck and that's it. You'll cringe at most parts, and be bored at others. Here's an example of how little they cared.

When saw this I couldn't believe my eyes. How could someone care so little? They're so close together. You must have seen this while editing. They even have a gag line under "Gargle" earlier in the film, yet they still didn't fix this. It's funny how something so little showed the absolute laziness of this film, and made seethe with rage. This is a film nobody should have to sit through, and I did. And I'll have to do it again for the review. Urgggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I've made a horrible mistake

                                     HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

What's wrong with EZ Money? EVERYTHING. THIS ABOMINATION OF THE VISUAL ARTS MUST BE EXTERMINATED SOON, OR I WILL HAVE FAILED AS A CRITIC. FORGET EMERIL. THIS IS MY TOP PRIORITY RIGHT NOW. THIS FILM WILL BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE. (The Emeril review will come soon, but it is not my top priority.)

Announcement

I'm going to write a Value Bin Massacre before the new Variety Critic (Don't worry, It's being worked on!). I just wanted to do something a little different. What's my target,you ask?

Also, the dog on the cover looks demonic.

Weird Amazon Reviews: Part 1

This is the new feature where I bring you weird reviews for products on Amazon. Names have been blocked to protect those who wrote the reviews.
First, reviews for.....

Nothing wrong here. I just thought the misspelling of waste as "waits" was amusing.

................................................... What?

Next reviews are for......

You're problem may be that this is a movie.
That's it for now guys.

Which new regular feature would you like?

Value Bin Massacre
I take films found in the bargain bins and determine how bad they are.
I Await Your Hate Mail
I take on popular films, video games, etc. That I feel are overrated.
Toy Trash
I review crappy toys.


Tell me which you want to see in the comments.

Emeril First Impressions.

I'm 9 minutes into the pilot, and wow. WOW. Is it ever awful. The whole thing is just dated pop-culture references with no punchline, food-related puns, and stupid catchphrases that will never catch on. Emeril himself is surprisingly not bad. His wife is though. Seriously, she is so boring and monotonous. Not to mention the mood swings. Seriously, it goes from comedy, to sappy, to comedy. In the first nine minutes. This is going to hurt more than I thought.

Regarding: Censorship

Hello, This is Variety Critic. This is a new segment, called "Regarding". I will basically give my opinion on controversial subjects. First off, Censorship. I might as well explain what brought me here. I was looking at banned episodes, and came across a banned episode from a crappy Disney Channel sitcom called "Jessie". Interested, I decided to look it up, and low-and-behold, I found this article,http://tvline.com/2013/05/21/disney-pulls-jessie-episode-gluten-free-controversy). Never having seen it, I'm in no position to defend it. Instead, It inspired me to write this article. I was shocked that the people were calling poking fun at something "saying bullying was OK". Here's the problem. Sometimes, you've got cross lines to make good stories or get big laughs. Crossing lines in a story could make it more relatable. Crossing lines in comedy works because it helps lighten the mood of a normally awful thing. These are basic ways of telling stories and telling jokes. When we try to censor these, we are not only making it worse, we are taking away part of what made it work in the first place. The world needs to laugh a little at horrible things,it helps us deal with the situation. Stories need to portray bad things happening seriously, It help us gain a better understanding and helps you relate more to the events. I'm not saying everything should be censored, as somethings could be considered inappropriate and harmful to the mind, but when you censor something for being "offensive", you should think twice about what you're doing to that certain piece of media, and how much you're detracting from it.
-Var. Critic

A Change of Plans.

I have decided to put my "Space Buddies" review aside for now. I would like to focus on the more infamous pieces of bad media. While "Space Buddies" was panned by those who saw it, it really isn't legendarily bad. So now, I'll focus on what happens when a celebrity chef with no comedic experience jumps ship to a sitcom. That's right, I'll be reviewing the infamous sitcom...

Emeril.

Introduction

Oh, I forgot the introduction. I'm the Variety Critic. I review the so-called worst of everything, whether it be movies, video games, or anything else. My purpose is to take the supposed worst of all media and see if it's really that bad.

"Maximum Overdrive" Review

This movie is awful, This movie is great, This movie is..... something. How do I put this film into words? It's Stephen King's directorial debut, and he hasn't directed anything since. We should be grateful, yet also disappointed. This movie is so bad it's entertaining.


First off, the acting. It's horrid. Everyone overacts. Somebody is always chewing the scenery.

Let me go into further detail about this. There is no ounce of subtlety and none of the actors hold back. When actors overact, you can't relate to them, because no human acts like that. They end up sounding like cartoon characters, and you know what? It's hilarious.

Another big problem is how generic the characters are. They're all cookie-cutter stereotypes everyone has seen before, and the story does nothing unique with them. They all fall into their roles to make the story go. It really feels like the script was a Mad-Lib. 

Really, those are the only reason this movie is awful, not counting logical fallacies like the Texan character being able to shoot a rocket launcher twice without reloading. Believe it or not, this movie has a thing or two going for it.

First off,  the soundtrack is not only good, but also fits. The soundtrack is done by AC/DC. It fits because the songs often revolve around things related to hell, and this fits because these characters are pretty much trapped in a hellish version of Earth.

Lastly, (I said a thing or two) It's a blast to watch. The action scenes are very well done and involve lots of ridiculously awesome things such as blowing up evil semi-trucks with a bazooka. The actors, despite how awful, are entertaining because of their overacting.The texan character in particular is hilarious. When he's on screen it's like watching a cartoon character.

So that was Maximum Overdrive, and it was awful/good. It's made nicely and it's fun to watch, but at the same time, you can't let bad acting and a generic story slide. Unless, the acting makes the movie more enjoyable, which it does. It's hilarious seeing these actors try so hard and failing miserably because of that.

So, what's my rating?

5/10
Mediocre

So, what's next in my hunt for awfulness?

OH DEAR GOD NO!

Coming Soon!

This movie is so bad, it just might me great.

Hi.